And this goes out to you, and to you, and ...

YOU DIDN'T MEAN JACK. GUESS WHAT HOE? FUCK YOU RIGHT BACK!

They can't call Tyrone any more

I think this'll change my life: I'm changing my number. And I'm going to think long and hard about who I'll give it to. I'm crossing many names off my list.

Worst. Birthday. Ever.

Happy 20th to me. My boyfriend and some of my friends are dicks. The end.

In a state of humdrum

I'm worried about my friend, Nessa. She's been in the hospital for something serious. I almost lost her. I'm going to go see her tomorrow. She's strong, so I know that eventually, she'll be fine or close to.

The jobs I really want either reject me or already hired someone else. I'm stuck in this dead end city, in this going nowhere fast job in this disasterous state.

I'm becoming disillusioned. I'm thinking of taking easy jobs with fast pay and low morale. Not just for money, but because I'm bored. I'm painfully bored.

I've been thinking more and more about leaving my boyfriend. I'm bored with him, too.

Feel like pushing the close people away

My eyes ache, my head pounds and my temples throb constantly. I've really been stressed out, very much. It's been making me so sick that I barely make it out of bed in the morning.

I am sort of angry at myself, half angry at my parents. Mom threw away most of my newspaper clips. So now I have no proof of anything I've done. I feel like I'm back at zero. I should've gotten them sooner, but oh well, whatever. I'm SOL now buddy.

My boyfriend has been out of work for almost a month now. Maybe it's good I didn't keep the baby. I don't know what to do with him.

Plus Y is trippin'. She doesn't realized we were raised WAY differently. I know I may seem insensitive to her, but in Detroit, you're not raised up to be sensitive; my parents were rough, and the people I grew up around were rough. I should be more open-minded to her feelings though. She's a good friend; I just don't know how to deal with her when she gets mad at me. I think I'm just gonna step back until things work themselves out. Silence definitely can be golden.

I'm really ready to move away now. Moving to Florida with my boyfriend doesn't even seem doable anymore. I think I'm just gonna get a job and move, if I can ... my mother threw away my work. Oh, I hate this!

Please, just stop calling

Two things I hate about talking on the phone:

1) At my job, dumbasses always call me with NONBUSINESS-RELATED matters, then expect me to help them. What? It's not in my job descript; get it right!
It wouldn't be so bad if they would just listen. I still try to help people even though they screwed up and dialed the wrong number. But when they catch an attitude as if it's my DUTY to assist them, that's when I wanna jump through the phone and catch a case.

2) I hate it when guys somehow get my number, or I give it to them because I believe they could be helpful in someway (i.e., coworkers, maintenance folks, etc.), and they call me all the time like a creep! Ugh! Guys that are just plain undesireable. I mean, I'm not the most beautiful woman in the world, but I am quite attractive and have a lot going for myself. What makes them think they have a snowball's chance in hell of me replacing my boyfriend with them? Why don't these guys just get it? I swear, I don't lead them on in any way. I wanna change my number and then blow up my phone!

Oh yeah! Other things I can't stand about my job:
1) It's too cold. My bones hurt and my fingernails turn blue. "Some women are going through menopause." Well some women like me are sitting up in here waiting on their medical and vacation time to kick in and are freezing!
2) Underpaid, underappreciated, yadda, yadda, ya. Pretty much everyone feels this way, though, but I had to say it.

Lusting for a life in the fast lane

I rode on the back of a motorcycle for the first time a few days ago. It was fast. It was exhilarating. I WANT TO RIDE NOW!

I'm thinking of paying $125 for lessons and a license. Now, I just gotta work on getting a bike. I'm not going to tell too many folks; they wouldn't approve.

I've been depressed. Besides the abortion, I just feel like my life isn't going too much of anywhere. I'm tired of the whole "you've accomplished so much for your age." I want to travel the world, live more places and make more friends. I want to be ... something I'm not right now. I want to have fun and live life, yet accomplish my dream of becoming an editor or something notable. This life is so dead end.

I'm thinking of a tattoo. Not sure of what yet and where. I do like the above image for a tat, though: the Firebird. It means a lot to me. The Firebird represents freedom, power and just immersing yourself in the fun side of life without letting negativity hold you back. I also love my boyfriend's cars, his Firebirds, lol.

Pink frills and thrills

My $70 dress in Atlanta was marked down to $45 here! I must have it so when I go to ATL to see Yogi, she'll "oooh" and "ahhh" 'cause otherwise, I'll never have anywhere to wear it, except work.

Some days, most days, really, I don't feel pretty. I feel flabby, dorky and disgusting. I also feel like I look 15 or 16. I still get carded for a damn book of matches, and I don't even smoke! I wanna change my image. But I tried the whole blond hair highlights and lose 20 pound things before. My hair broke off and I looked anorexic. Unfortunately, I don't feel seductive until a man tells me I'm hot, which is everyday, and I haven't heard it yet. So sad that a man's words or glances validate how hot I think I am. I blame it on the media.

But I'll feel sexy later, as soon as I change into a little something for R's show. Yes, he's a broke ass comedian on the side who doesn't get paid for shows. Yes, this is my baby daddy.

Hot pink satin sheets

Yes, I finally got them. Yes, my apartment is beginning to look A-ma-ZING!
I'm finally happy.

I'm falling into temptation, though. I'm supposed to be pursuing my vice this Saturday night. But I love my boyfriend so much. ... It's selfish and I am 99.9% sure I won't do it; it just feels like our sex life is going straight down the tubes.

Sidenote: Don't send your kids to ANY Detroit public school. More on this later.

On a Wing and a Prayer

I've been pretending. I won't turn on any fans, air, and I wear lightweight sweaters and jeans. I won't let heat get to me. I'm mentally preparing for Florida weather. I can take it.

My job bores me immensely. Seriously, I didn't go to college to become a secretary with minimal benefits and opportunity. An unappreciated one at that. I wish they'd stop pigeonholing me. It's just so boring here, and the folks think I don't have a mind at all.

I went paddleboating this weekend. It helped me with my fear. I'm greatly scared of the water. I almost drowned in 8 ft. of water when I was nine years old. I wish I knew how to swim. If I went to public school, I could've learned.

I'm trying to make things work out between my boyfriend and I. I've just been so angry since the abortion. I wanted to keep my baby, though I know I could've afforded to.

Life is funny like that.

Sex, trust & daydreams

I'm so horny, I can't sleep at night. I can't wait until my body returns to normal; the surgery post-op is killing me. I'm a very sensual, sexually-aware person. Sex is my medicine, no matter how unhealthy that seems. But at least I'm monogamous.

I think my boyfriend is finally starting to trust me more. I went out to lunch with a male friend that was very attractive, but he didn't give me the verbal shakedown like he always tries to do. I'm proud of him for that; he's maturing.

I can't believe I came back to Detroit sometimes. But I guess I can stick it out for another year or so. My apartment situation is getting much better. I dream of moving somewhere exotic all the time. I've been to Florida, Puerto Rico and the Caribbean. I would love to go back for a while.

I really want to go back to see Y. I think I will, sooner than she expects.

Here's looking at you, Florida

Ever since I came back from my three-month hiatus to Detroit, I've been nothing but miserable. It's my hometown, true enough. But it's a drag, my apartment has roaches because management is full of douchbags, I pay car insurance out the ass, etc.

In short, I'm ready to move on. I can't stand these people, their mentalities.

For some dumbass reason, I'm trusting my boyfriend. I'm trusting in him and we're moving to Florida in a year, to Jacksonville or right outside of it, like Ponte Vedra. I know Ponte is expensive, but so is living in this deathtrap of what was once a thriving industrial city in the 1950s.

I talked to a top editor at a paper here. He knows I want to be an editor. I told him where I want to go. He said he'd look out for me. I know I have the skills, the connects and the charisma to bring my dream to life. Now I just need to save $10K in cash, and I'll be straight.

And J don't play no games! I will have at least $10K by the time I leave.

There was a baby in the oven

I recently had an abortion, and it's tearing me up inside. Besides the physical pain, I catch feelings really easily. I was excited about being able to hear his/her heartbeat in a few days, to feel his/her kicks in a few months. It's one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

I did it for my boyfriend, I did it for us. Neither one of us is financially ready, and he isn't mature enough. I wanted my baby, my love, to have the best out of life. But unfortunately, and like a loser, I can't. I work a full-time job with benefits. My boyfriend is a "hustler." But we can barely cover our own asses now. Expenses are killing us in this dying carcass of a state. I hate it here.

I'm looking into getting promoted at my job or taking on a second one. We want to move to Florida next year. That is my goal. I feel I can't grow here. I feel I had to kill my baby because of very little pay and far too many expenses. Is this a copout? Am I making up excuses? No.

Although I loathe abortion, I also believe in something someone told me: "Any jackass can have a baby." And I've seen many a jackass screw over their children or not give them the upbringing they sorely deserve. I don't want to be like that.

I want to start over and hopefully, give them the things I never had and still don't have.