There was a baby in the oven

I recently had an abortion, and it's tearing me up inside. Besides the physical pain, I catch feelings really easily. I was excited about being able to hear his/her heartbeat in a few days, to feel his/her kicks in a few months. It's one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

I did it for my boyfriend, I did it for us. Neither one of us is financially ready, and he isn't mature enough. I wanted my baby, my love, to have the best out of life. But unfortunately, and like a loser, I can't. I work a full-time job with benefits. My boyfriend is a "hustler." But we can barely cover our own asses now. Expenses are killing us in this dying carcass of a state. I hate it here.

I'm looking into getting promoted at my job or taking on a second one. We want to move to Florida next year. That is my goal. I feel I can't grow here. I feel I had to kill my baby because of very little pay and far too many expenses. Is this a copout? Am I making up excuses? No.

Although I loathe abortion, I also believe in something someone told me: "Any jackass can have a baby." And I've seen many a jackass screw over their children or not give them the upbringing they sorely deserve. I don't want to be like that.

I want to start over and hopefully, give them the things I never had and still don't have.